Friday, May 8, 2009
My moods have been all over the place this week, but then I am a Moonchild and we are notoriously temperamental. The full Moon never fails to light up my soul, and so after the stressful week of tests and thinking way too much about what amount of slicing and dicing I want to let the doctors do to me, I decided to take The Shadow (also born under the sign of the Moon) for a really long walk.
We walked down our usual streets around our house and then kept walking sunset becoming twilight and then the glorious full Moon rising. We discovered some really cool pockets of architecture from 1930’s California bungalows to Spanish style stucco to really dilapidated Craftsmen complete with bars over the windows to the quietly upscale homes around the Occidental campus.
The evening was so warm, with a light breeze carrying the smells of the ‘hood, carne asada, marijuana smoke, Jasmine flowers, it reminded me of the years I lived in San Francisco’s Mission District – except the sidewalk didn’t smell like pee.
The warm weather brings everybody out, the diversity that is Eagle Rock, runners, people dining on MIA Sushi’s patio, guys hanging out in front of Evil Or Sacred Tattoos, smokers burning cigarettes in front of Barrio Fiesta, teenagers rolling down the sidewalk, one on a skateboard, one pushing a shopping cart with another one in the cart, sports fans yelling at the flat screen at The Bucket, me & my Shadow.
The shitty mood I’ve been nursing all week was washed away by the life all around, the full Moon and I started to think everything would be OK no matter what comes. I’ve been feeling like I have to hurry up and make some decisions about treating this cancer and feeling so conflicted. There are some things I really want to do in the coming months that surgery, radiation or a combination will totally get in the way of.
Tonight I decided I should allow myself a little slack and take my time. I plan to have some more conversation with my doctors, to continue the Dr. Schultze detox and nutrition and most importantly, I will keep a positive outlook. The walk filled me with love for the beauty that is life and reminded me that I am not alone, plenty of other people have their own battles, and it’s part of life. I have been focusing too much on my inner turmoil, twisting my gut into a knot about a future that doesn’t even exist except in my mind.
The Shadow is having a nap on the cool tile floor at my feet. In this moment I am really happy and what more can I ask for? I most likely will have more anger that I have to deal with cancer again and I will probably feel sorry for myself again, but right now life is beautiful.